Relationship Differences in Autism: What Connection Really Looks Like

One of the most harmful myths about autism is that autistic people don’t want connection — that they’re indifferent to relationships or incapable of empathy.

This is not true. What is true is that autistic people often connect differently. And when the world insists there’s only one right way to relate, those differences can look like problems — when they’re actually just variations.

The Double Empathy Problem

Researcher Damian Milton introduced the concept of the “double empathy problem” — the idea that communication difficulties between autistic and non-autistic people are mutual. It’s not that autistic people lack empathy for neurotypical people; it’s that both groups have difficulty understanding each other’s perspective and communication style.

This reframe is important. Rather than asking “what’s wrong with the autistic person’s social skills?” it asks “what’s different about how these two groups understand each other?” — and that shifts the responsibility away from the autistic person to fix themselves, toward mutual adaptation.

What Relationship Differences Look Like

Autistic relationship differences can include:

• Preferring parallel play or side-by-side company to direct interaction
• Connecting primarily through shared interests rather than small talk
• Expressing care through acts rather than words or physical affection
• Difficulty with unwritten social rules and implicit expectations
• Interpreting language literally and missing implied meaning
• Needing explicit communication rather than inference
• Feeling deep attachment that may not be expressed in expected ways
• Preferring one or two close relationships to large social groups

The Role of Masking

Many autistic people — particularly girls and gender-diverse individuals — learn to mask or camouflage their autistic traits in social settings. This can mean mimicking observed social behaviors, suppressing natural responses, and performing neurotypicality.

Masking is exhausting and often damages mental health over time. If your child seems to hold it together at school but collapses at home, masking may be a significant factor. The “collapse” isn’t bad behavior — it’s the release of an enormous amount of effort spent conforming all day.

What Helps

The most protective thing for autistic social and emotional wellbeing is finding community with other autistic people. The social difficulties often diminish significantly in autistic-to-autistic interaction.

For families, some approaches that support connection:

• Follow your child’s lead on how they want to connect — rather than requiring hugs or eye contact
• Create space for connection through shared activities and interests
• Be explicit rather than expecting implied understanding
• Validate how they express care, even if it’s different from how you express it
• Resist the pressure to socialize your child into performing neurotypical friendship

Your child’s relationships may look different. Different isn’t deficient.

Herd is a resource for parents navigating sensory processing differences and neurodivergence. We’re not medical professionals — always work with qualified clinicians for assessment and treatment planning.